


Head Above Water

by i_dalliance



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Miscarriage mention, Mutual Pining, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25021000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_dalliance/pseuds/i_dalliance
Summary: The war had been over for nearly two years when news of Commander Shepard shocked the galaxy. Garrus found himself back in the life of the woman who always drawn him in. He didn't expect any of this but there's no Shepard without Vakarian, two broken people finding love in each other.--------------------------Deals with the aftermath of a suicide attempt
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Kudos: 27





	1. Hell or High Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who read How to Move on When you Lose Everything, yes this is the same premise. Just a bit earlier, a sort of what-if. Because I have a lot of ideas for this Shepard.
> 
> Tali and Garrus never got together in ME3 in this.

It was a bad day.

Garrus could already feel it. There was something just entirely not right. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the water pouring against the roof, the rhythmic sound that he associated with the gloom of the few months after the Reaper war in London.

It didn’t help that the second he had set foot in the living room the screen was immediately shut off, his sister looking as casual as she could while refusing to look him in the eyes.

He hated that. That his own sister hid something because she didn’t think he could handle it. He could understand it - his own condition had been precarious for so long as he simply lay in bed unable to move without the torrents of his thoughts freezing him.

“Solana,” he warned.

He was better now, his therapist gently encouraging him to leave the house. He could handle whatever it was. He didn’t like being treated like a child.

“We cannot hide this, Solana,” his father walked into the room, launching a news report on the screen, “he’ll discover it soon enough.”

His mood immediately dropped at the photo of Shepard there, her official one which the Alliance slapped on everything. He couldn’t help but wonder what happened, his mind immediately imagining her suffocating in space again.

“Commander Shepard of Alliance was found in critical condition this morning,” the turian news reporter said and Garrus clenched his fists, “Her neighbour called emergency services after hearing her collapse and her condition was ruled to be attempted suicide...”

He felt darkness spread across his stomach, his hands trembling as he heard a muted rush swell over everything. He felt his sister slowly ease him into a chair, distress in her voice as Garrus just stared at the news reporter.

“Spirits.”

“Garrus,” Solana said, looking at him and he suddenly couldn’t stand it.

Couldn’t stand being in this room.

“I wasn’t there.” 

“No, you weren’t,” Castis said, “That isn’t your fault.”

“I need to go,” he said, a buzz building up in his head and he shook away his sister’s concerning questions.

“I’m fine,” he murmured as he pulled away from them, “I just need to be alone.”

He lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He centred himself by counting his breaths, feeling the way his talons snagged in his sheets. Thoughts still swirled in his head, worried that his dad would come in to tell him Shepard died again after all. Garrus pulled out his omni-tool, a few messages asking him whether he was okay, and he found himself freezing as Shepard’s name was one of his recent messages.

After a few minutes of worrying, wondering if he could handle reading what she assumed were her last words. His eyes closed as he took a moment, breathing in until his lung ached from the pressure.

With air rushing out of him he opened his eyes and the message.

It was short, six letters. Just one word.

 _Garrus_.

His name, that’s all she sent. And it was enough to destroy him. He curled up in a ball and he felt pain and grief build up pressure in his throat.

Garrus hoped she’d be alright, looking at the last message she sent him. The time date shocked him, he didn’t think it’d been almost a year since they talked last. After a few moments of hesitation, he began to type, his emotions raw as he said what he needed to.

* * *

_Shep [23.04.87 16:23] : Do you think Blasto vids are Commander Shepard vids or just based on Commander Shepard mythos?_

_Shep [05.01.88 04:54] : Garrus_

* * *

Shepard would say that she hated hospitals but that would require actually feeling something besides apathy. She just lay there in the bed, answering the nurse's questions. It started how she figured, an evaluation to see how bad she actually was.

Then It turned to more administrative questions. What diet she ate, whether she wanted to see any religious leaders.

The last question froze her, whether she wanted visitors.

“Beyond the press, of course,” the nurse said, “you have Alliance protection, no one sees you without permission from both you and the Alliance.”

“There’s no one of interest who’d want to visit me.”

“Are you sure?” the nurse asked, confused.

Shepard bit back a bitter laugh. The galaxy only saw the vids, the famous camaraderie of the Normandy was something that was nearly immortalized.

No one wants to make a movie on how once the war's over, everyone leaves.

“Okay,” she said, “I’ll mark you down as no visitors with a note that you can approve anyone.’

Then she was alone again. Staring up at the ceiling as her body just ached. She had apparently collapsed through her coffee table, her body covered in bruises and cuts from the glass.

A sharp tang spread in the back of her throat, a bitter copper feeling as tears burned at the corners of her eye. Her dull fingernails latched into the palm of her hand and she bit her bottom lip.

I just wanted to die, Shepard finally cried with her body curling up in a ball.

* * *

_Gare-Bear [05.01.88 10:36] : I’m sorry I wasn’t there_

_Gare-Bear [05.01.88 10:37] : I want to discuss whether hamburgers are sandwiches again. Anything you want. Just message me when you can_

* * *

“You finish work for the day?” Solana asked and he nodded, having just slapped a signature on the last report, “Let’s go out and get groceries.”

“I don’t…”

“It’s been over a week Garrus,” she said, “You need fresh air.”

It was hard to argue when she got that look on her face. She’d seen him at his worse, Garrus never wanting his sister to go through with that again.

“Fine but I’m getting snacks.”

It was painful, Shepard was haunting him on a planet so far away. Her face was everywhere, from magazines to the news on the vids playing on the screens around. Solana immediately winced, watching Garrus’ mood deteriorate.

“Have you heard anything?”

“No,” Garrus said, picking up some graxen and dumping it in the cart with his favourite light blue seasoning.

“You will.”

He told Shepard he had hated platitudes, that his age saw them as nothing more than a feel-good phrase to offer when there’s nothing else to say.

He still hated them.

* * *

_Gare-Bear [13.01.88 14:43] : remember when you started a five-hour argument on the Normandy about pizza_

_Gare-Bear [13.01.88 14:44] : I still don’t even know what pineapple is_

* * *

Shepard picked up the puzzle piece, slowly easing it into place. The elderly Turian (Metna) across from her picked up his own to look at the picture painted across the lid, an odd mix of tigers, flamingos, and plants.

“I think it’s one of those birds.”

“A flamingo,” Shepard said, “And yeah, I agree.”

He put it into place before picking up another piece, humming while his mandible twitched. He looked it over with the picture before snapping it into place in outside walls.

There wasn’t much to do here. Extranet access was blocked for privacy so there was a myriad of physical toys to play around with.

“We have an Alliance consult here to see you,” a unit clerk told her.

“Okay,” Shepard said, pushing herself up, “Metna, keep at it. I’ll be back to help.”

“Will do.”

She waited for the locked door to open, her omni-tool loudly announcing the many messages she got the second she left the ward. She followed the porter up the stairs, into a small room just to the side with a table and chairs in it.

Also a familiar face.

“Hackett,” Shepard said, unsure of what to do.

She technically hadn’t been military for years, her name only still on their payroll on administrative leave. Did she still salute?’

“Have a seat,” he offered and she sat down, still unsure on the protocol.

“I’m surprised you’re who they sent,” Shepard said, expecting the same sort of dry bureaucrat she had gotten after Mindoir.

“I insisted,” Hackett said, “It’s not easy for me but I needed to be here.”

She hummed, tapping her fingers as she waited for him to start. His grizzled face went through a few emotions before settling on a neutral face.

“Anything you need?”

“My slippers,” she immediately said, “My cardigans. New clothes. Actual coffee. It’s really cold and they only have decaf.”

“I’ll do what I can.”

“So what exactly is this consult for?” Shepard asked, tilting her head.

“Despite not being in active duty you still are an Alliance officer on paper,” Hackett said, “There are obligations the Alliance has for its soldiers that end up in similar situations. We probably would have done this regardless, however.”

She looked at him before he leant forward, taking a deep breath.

“We offer counselling after release, if you want to go through the VA you are free to,” Hackett said, “We also have a fund to pay for outside counselling as well. The Alliance also makes sure that you can afford rent or food until you’re fit again though that’s not really a problem for you.”

“Fancy.”

“We’re also covering security at the hospital,” Hackett said, “Keeping your location away from reporters or enemies of yours. We had a number of requests to see you but there’s only really two worth passing ahead to you.”

He handed her a datapad - a form to release personal information - and she quickly scrolled past the legal talk to the two names there.

Urdnot Wrex wasn’t a surprise, she was certain the krogan was ready to pull her into a hug or scold her into the next century. She almost debated declining it to put that off but instead approved it, she was going bored in there and at least Wrex was entertaining.

She wasn’t expecting to see Garrus' there.

Her heart slowly began to flow ice through her veins as she hovered a finger over approving it, her mind beginning to race. She swallowed before pressing the box next to it, a checkmark cutting through it, before handing it back to Hackett.

“That’s all I had for you for now,” he said before leaning back in his chair, “Though you did ask for a coffee so I’ll buy you one before I go. For everything you did.”

“I would’ve asked for promotion from Commander,” she dryly said, the two of them heading to the cafeteria, “I only outranked Moreau during the war.”

Hackett didn’t say anything and she didn’t expect him to. The brass came to the conclusion that she had to remain Commander Shepard, anything else they deemed too counter-productive to the PR they used with her image.

“Think the Hierarchy would promote me? I can ask Victus.”

She opened her omni-tool as she sipped on the coffee, absentmindedly tugging at her hospital band while quickly skimming it. She ignored most of it but she found herself freezing at a recent message.

Garrus, she practically sighed. Even after all these years and time apart he still made her feel like a girl with a bumbling crush. He sounded so desperate, she thought as she read through his messages.

She froze, words rumbling through her mind but refused to leave her into the screen. She wasn't sure what to say, there had always been too much she had kept from Garrus. Too many regrets now that she had to deal with surviving.

Finally, she decided on being detached, only stating facts. He would understand, she thought to herself, she was still so tired from everything.

* * *

_Gare-Bear [15.01.88 15:01] : I got a hold of Hackett. Figured he was in charge of security on you. I guess it’s up to you in the end though_

_Shep [16.01.88 16:27] : There’s no extranet access on the ward. I can only respond during a fifteen-minute break once a day. I approved your visit._

* * *

Garrus was pissing Solana off. He always had in some way, that’s just a part of being siblings, but she couldn’t say anything because he was so happy. So she just watched him walk in and out of his room, trying to pack but immediately second-guessing what he’d need.

“Should I bring a gift?” he asked her, “How long do you think I’ll be there?”

“If there’s no extranet bring her something to do off the net and you can always just do laundry.”

“Thanks, Sol.”

He didn’t even know where she was yet and he was still packing. That’s what irritated her, Commander Shepard arrived and Garrus just rushed forward to her without thinking. He spent a year unable to leave the house and now he was looking forward to a trip.

“You know Garrus,” Solana teased him, unwilling to feel any more bitterness to Garrus’ friend who was in the hospital, “Kinda sounds like you have a crush on her.”

He could probably fool anyone else and probably himself but she was his sister. The way he froze for a microsecond let her know that she had unintentionally poked at something.

Garrus laughed for just a little too long before he rushed the next words out, his subharmonics fluctuating, “Human and a turian? Like that would even work.”

“Oh I’m sure you know how it’d work,” she pushed, for the first time in a while it felt like how it was before the war.

Where she’d tease him over something awkward he said or the girl he liked at the time.

“Sol,” he groaned.

“C’mon Garrus,” she prodded his shoulder, “You get one impersonal message from her and you’re practically bouncing off the wall, what else am I to think.”

He sighed, rubbing his forehead in such a human way, “There’s nothing to think.”

“Gar…”

“Let’s say I did, would it matter?”

She froze at that, his subharmonics were rumbling an odd mix of telling her to back off and a sort of relief. She pushed too hard, Solana cursed herself before giving an apologetic lilt to her tone.

“She needs a friend right now. I’ve been good at playing that role, I can do it as long as I have to.”

* * *

_Gare-Bear [17.01.88 12:54] : Victus said you asked about a job? He was practically over the walls about it really, seems like he has something in mind if you want it._

_Shep [17.01.88 16:29] : I’m mostly after a promotion. If Victus gets me above Commander I’ll take it._

_Gare-Bear [17.01.88 16:32] : It’d be something different than Commander at least. I’ll get Victus to send you the details. They’ll work with you with this, they’ve been working with me._


	2. Left to Rot in the Sun

“Here you go,” Shepard handed a pair of haphazard gloves to Wrex, “I forgot to add enough fingers so it’s yours now.”

“Thanks,” he dryly said before slipping them on his hands, there was a moment of softness before teasing her, “You taking up knitting in your old age?”

“It’s not with needles so it doesn’t mean I’m old,” she replied, Wrex giving her a wide grin.

“Sure thing Grandma.”

Shepard couldn’t hold back the way she reacted, a slight wince that had Wrex staring at her. Shepard suddenly couldn’t meet his gaze, looking down at the knitting loom in her hands.

“Shepard.”

“It’s fine Wrex.”

The krogan’s eyes narrowed at her and she just ignored him, leaning over to pick up a box of cards. She shook the deck at him before waving down Metna to join.

“Want to play a game?”

Wrex immediately protested and Metna’s neck stretched out, looking over to the entrance.

“Metna?”

“Sorry,” he said, “I saw a turian and thought it was one of my kids.”

Shepard looked over to see Garrus talking with security at the desk, leaning down to sign and snap a visitor pass to his shirt. He looked over the ward, seeing the three of them huddled around a table and quickly making his way over.

“Peace, Garrus,” Shepard said, waggling two fingers into the air.

“Nice gloves, Wrex,” Garrus said dryly while Shepard got up to scavenge another chair.

“I think you’re just jealous you don’t get gifts like this.”

“Here you go,” Shepard put the chair down, “Also Metna Aetsis meet Garrus Vakarian.”

“A pleasure to meet you.”

“Wrex was just going to play a game with us,” Shepard said with a smile, “Which is so nice of him since we don’t get to play these games that often.”

“What can I say,” Wrex dryly returned, “I’m a generous soul.”

Shepard explained the rules to Garrus and Wrex, deftly sliding seven cards in front of people. Both Shepard and Metna were pros at the game, Garrus only remembering that he can lay down one of the same number when Shepard reminded him.

Garrus felt a lightness in his chest he hadn’t felt for a while, his mandibles flaring out in a smile while just looking at Shepard.

* * *

 _Gare-Bear [19.01.88 20:31] :_ _why’d Wrex get gloves_ _where are my gloves_

 _Shep [20.01.88 10:37] :_ _someday, somewhere, I’ll fuck up knitting again and you can keep that_

* * *

It was only supposed to be a quick walk to the coffee shop by the cafeteria. They found their way easily enough, Garrus ordering a turian tea latte and Shepard a cappuccino.

It was awkward, Garrus drinking his tea while watching Shepard sipped her drink. He didn’t know what to say, certain that the tables in the hospital cafeteria was hardly the place to have a proper discussion.

“Thanks for the book,” Shepard finally said, leaning back in her chair as her foot absent-mindedly tapped against the floor, “it’s a nice thought.”

“It was my sisters,” he admitted, “lost all my good ideas in my age.”

“You’re younger than I am.”

“Lazarus years don’t count,” Garrus said before adding with a tilt of his head, “unless I need it to.”

She tilted her head, Garrus was struck by how delicate her neck was before listening to her giving a small hum.

“I guess,” she finally decided.

“Never known you to give up ground,” he teased her and then suddenly froze, his throat shut with a painful burn at the way Shepard’s face fell.

There was a deep weariness in her eyes, exhaustion settling on every bone in her body. She looked like a different person, ageing right before his eyes.

Then - with shocking speed - it was gone.

She was his Shepard again, a smile crinkling the corners of her eyes. If it wasn’t for the hospital band peeking out from her cardigan he could almost believe that they were on the Normandy chatting over breakfast.

He hated that he was once a cop, he hated seeing the lines unfold in front of him. Sometimes he wanted to be an optimist, wanted to see the good in the galaxy. Wanted to believe that his friend was always happy.

“Call it give and take,” she finally settled on saying that.

Garrus took a drink of his latte, finding it bitter now.

* * *

_Shep [20.01.88 10:39] : Thanks for playing the game. Figured I should thank you_

_Gare-Bear [20.01.88 10:40] : It was nothing, really. I’ll have to sharpen my skill though if I want to beat you_

_Shep [20.01.88 10:40] : it’s dream big, not dream unrealistically_

* * *

He followed her into the labyrinthine basement, cold air pressing down on his body. He instinctively curled up a bit, watching Shepard shuffle forward with her pink slippers before stopping suddenly.

“Uh, Shepard?” Garrus watched her hands tighten.

“Why did you come?”

“Well…” he said, watching her arms tense.

“You know what I mean,” she sighed and he saw the side of her face, exhaustion painted across each wrinkle around her eyes.

“I don’t,” he stepped forward, his shoulders high for the first time in years, “You’re my friend.”

He watched her head tilt forward, her cardigan shifting slightly as she curled up into herself. He couldn’t imagine what her face was showing, could hardly imagine how hurt she looked.

“Wouldn’t any friend want to visit?”

She just shrugged, curling up even further into herself. He could see her fingers poking out on the sides of her arms, tightening firmly into her sleeves.

“It’s only been you two.”

“Is that why you…?” it was out of his mouth before he could think and he just watched her back shift.

“No it’s because I wanted to die, Garrus,” she said simply.

“There’s no secret reason, no comforting lie. It’s exactly what it looks like. I didn’t want to be alive anymore.”

Words swirled in his mind, feeling them swell and press against the inside of his skull. Dizziness began to creep inside of him, an empty pain spreading across his stomach.

Then he took a deep breath and held it for a second, feeling the air burn in his lungs before letting it go.

“I struggled after the war,” he finally said, “I tried to get back into the thick of things but I’d come across a choice to make and I’d just freeze.”

“I just couldn’t get over that not all decisions create death regardless of whether it’s the best choice,” his hand rested on his other arm, tightening a bit, “there had to be a cost. I couldn’t stop thinking about it until I could figure out exactly how things would go wrong.”

“I didn’t know that,” Shepard turned her head to look at him, her eyes puffy and her cheeks stained with tears.

“A lot of people don’t. I just shut in on myself,” he awkwardly scratched his mandible, “I’m sorry for that. I should have realised I wasn’t the only one.”

“Well shit Garrus,” she said, stepping towards him, “I’m sorry too.”

She rested her hand on his arms, giving a small laugh as her head tilted forward. The smell of something floral drifted up from her head, growing stronger as he strands shifted. Garrus froze for a second before reaching up to rest his hands on her shoulders, just enjoying the way her body felt next to his.

* * *

_Gare-Bear [20.01.88 14:37] : I’ll take you to dinner when you’re out_

_Gare-Bear [20.01.88 14:38] : Want anything in particular_

_Shep [20.01.88 14:49] : Just your company_

* * *

Shepard shook her cup, the ice rattling inside before trying taking another sip. Her face squished together in displeasure before pushing herself up, straw poking between her fingers as she lifted the cup by the top.

"I need more water," she said and Garrus felt her brush her knuckles against his back causing electricity to shoot to his chest and make his heart pound.

That needy sound vibrated in his subharmonics and he immediately felt his stomach grow empty as he realised who was sitting at the table with him.

Garrus' hands tightened as he could barely look Metna, couldn't see the older turians expression. He didn't have to - the turian was clearly amused by his subharmonics - but it was a habit he picked up after so many years on a human ship.

"I think you should," Metna finally said.

Garrus sat up and then pulled his arms up to fold at his chest after slumping back down to sit up he finally just turned to look at Shepard chatting with a nurse while filling up her cup.

Those feelings filled him, the ones he usually refused to acknowledge. Something along respect and something deeper. All he really knew was that he cared about her.

"I don't…" he started, hand tapping against the table as he took a deep breath, "know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure,” his mandibles flared out in a wild grin and Garrus felt a childish urge to stick his tongue out at him.

“What’d I miss?” Shepard slid back into her seat, taking a sip of water before picking up her cards.

“Nothing,” they both said at once before continuing with the game.

* * *

_Gare-Bear [20.01.88 14:51] : With your discharge date picked, you know a time you want to go out?_

_Shep [20.01.88 14:52] : I’ll have to make a stop at a furniture store first but after that I should be free._

_Gare-Bear [20.01.88 14:52] : you need any help?_

_Shep [20.01.88 14:53] : I’ll get it shipped besides I think this is something I’m doing alone._

* * *

Shepard tightened her grip on her bag hoisted over her shoulder, taking a look down at her omni-tool and seeing the Taxi drive itself closer. Her palm closed into itself just as the car lowered down with an open door, her nails digging into the skin.

Her eyes burned for a second before stubbornly wiping the feeling away, a dull ache in her palm as she relaxed her fingers.

As eager as she was to be out she didn’t know if she could handle going home yet.

She pulled her hands up as she sat down, inspecting her fingertips before dragging her thumbs from her pointer to middle to ring on the same hand. She rested them on her pinky for a split second before feeling that exhausted feeling creep on her face.

“Now it’s onwards,” her voice was flat, punching in the nearest furniture store.

Her torso just ached, Shepard feeling pain shooting up the scars trailing her body. A quick flash of her going through the coffee table shot through her, feeling nothing but the exhaustion that tried to swallow her as the room swam above her.

“Are you alright?” the asari assistant asked, a strained smile on her face as she reached out for Shepard.

“I’ll take that one,” Shepard pointed at an ugly metal block.

The assistant just smiled as Shepard felt nausea build inside of her, wanting nothing more than to step away from the jungle of wood and glass. The asari came back with a form, Shepard quickly paying the woman and giving her address for delivery.

“You know,” she said, stamping her thumb at the bottom of the datapad to bring out some more forms, “you look just like Commander Shepard.

“I guess I have one of those faces,” was all Shepard said, turning on her heels and leaving the second payment went through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait, I was working a bunch of 12 hr shifts.


End file.
